Acceptable Excuse

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Lost love

This is a personal account of a ghost story that occured over 10 years ago.
Back in 1989, being a fresh graduate Psychology graduate, I landed a job in
the personnel department in one of the goverment offices in Quezon City. A male co-worker, Jun, was 11 years older than me. He became one of my friends while working there. Jun was king, loving, and romantic. He was the breadwinner of his family. His parents ang relatives liked me a lot. Being single and unattached, he courted me in 1990. I accepted his marraige proposal during the latter part of that year.

My parents did not approve of our relationship and when the first quarter of 1991 came, my parents made me quit my job. My dad, being a military man, even threatened Jun to Jun to stay away from me. To make our long story short, I left my job. I lost track of Jun I bussied myself with the family business. Basically, I went on with my life and tried to forget about him.

On the morning of June 2, 1994 I recieved a telegram from his aunt, saying that Jun had died the day before June1, 1994. Shocked I crumpled the short note and hurriedly phoned his aunt for confirmation. She told me that when we parted, Jun resigned from his job and drunk heavily each day. He naglected his death as well as his body. Pneumonia had caused his sudden death. "You know Jun. Everyday and up to his remaining hours, all her wanted was to see you. During his final moments, while suffering from delirium, he even told us that he still loves you very much," Jun's aunt said.

Sadly, my parents wouldn't allow me to go to his wake. I mourned quietly inside my room. There even came a point where I convinced myself that he wasn't dead.

On January 1995, just before my birthday, Jun visited me in a dream. I dreamed that I was inside a hospital room. I was wearing a hospital gown and I was sitting at the foot of my bed. Jun suddenly appeared before me, clothed in bright lights. We communicated mentally. I told him it wasn't true that he was gone. He replied that I must accept the fact that he was already dead but it didn't mean that he as leaving me. "I will always be beside you, gaurding you," he said

I cried saying, "I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to fight for our relationship."

He comforted me and soothed me by shrouding me with his bright light. The bliss I felt was interrupted by voice calling hi name "It's time for me to go," he told me. "But what about me?" I asked, tears in my eyes. " I will be here for you always," he replied,"and I will be waiting for you there. And don't ever forget that love you very much."

 After saying this, he vanished before my eyes. I woke up crying. After this accident, I finished began to accept his death. And whenever I'm depressed I feel his presence beside me I know somehow out there he's still waiting patienly for me.

The Pussycat Dolls - Hush Hush; Hush Hush

Revenge Is Sweet

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

BE YOUR SELF

• 1. Guikara na weave kinya ikanunga
  
  2. Kuria toothpick kinya ikahana toothbrush
  
  3. Gwikira thogithi itahanaine
  
  4. Kunyua njohi ta urathama
  
  5. Kwaga kurenga ngunyu/ndwara
  
  6. Gwikira high heels halafu ukaremwo guthii nacio
  
  7. Gwikira mini-skirt halafu ugatinda ukigucia niguo iraihe
  
  8. Kwaria waniriire mobile fone-ini
  
  9. Gwitua ati mutikaraga gichagi
  
  10. Gwethaga mundu friday/saturday peke yake
  
  11. Kumira na moko kana guoko gwa furara
  
  12 Kuinukia nyama kuota na kwanyu muri andu ikumi
  
  13. Kuiya ngatheti mukawa ini
  
  14. Gukorwo na gikoni kia mboco, ngara, kana runyeni igegoini
  
  15. Kwariria cuguo githungu
  
  16. Guikia kara iniuru urute makoni
  
  17. Gutinda ukiruta nyama na kuria riko cigikarangwo
  
  18. Kununga kanua.
  
  19. Kununga thigino ta kiura.
  
  20. Kununga iratu ta murogi
  
  21. Kumandika Big G rungu rwa kametha niguo ucoke umirie
  
  22. Gwitua ndui kwaria gikuyu (very shameful)
  23. Kwariria andu a gicagi kianyu na githungu kia iniuru woka gucera kuma murimo