Saturday, July 30, 2011

A Day in Hell


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum  chum?
Guy:  What do you think?  I'm in hell.
Demon:  Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy:  Sure,  I love to drink.  Love the drinks.
Demon:  Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On  Mondays that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey,  tequila,  Guinness,  wine coolers,  diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy:  Gee that sounds great.

Demon:  You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!  Love the smoking.
Demon:  Alright!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy:  Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon:  I bet you like to gamble.
Guy:  Why  yes  as a matter of fact  I do.  Love the gambling.
Demon:  Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want.  Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...  If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon:   You into drugs?
Guy:  Are you kidding?  Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon:  That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares!  O.D.!!
Guy:  Yowza!  I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy:  Uh  no.

Demon:  Ooooh  (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

Friday, March 25, 2011

On the trail of the Loliondo drink of life

The Arusha bus terminus is as busy as any, but over the past few months, things have become even more crowded.
Related Stories
A new bus route has opened up… to a destination that even Tanzanians themselves hadn’t heard of until a few days ago.
The Ngorongoro-Loliondo route, taking passengers north of Arusha, is by far the most popular here. Fourty-four-year-old Ibrahim Ahmed Kapiendo knows this very well.
He’s a ticket clerk here, but brisk business isn’t his only reason for his belief in this route and who it leads to. Behind his eyes lie a testimony that is being told and retold throughout Tanzania.
Until March 5 this year, Ibrahim was suffering from glaucoma — a degenerative eye disorder which eventually causes blindness — and high blood pressure. So he booked himself a ticket to Loliondo.
“After I got there, Babu gave me a concoction of herbs to drink. I have been cured since,” he says.
The man he’s referring to as Babu is 76-year-old Ambilikile Mwasapile, and, over the past few months, Tanzanians have been inundated with stories of the man and his miracle cure for all chronic diseases known to mankind.
The tale of this septuagenarian from Loliondo is quickly becoming legend. Thousands have trooped to his tiny hamlet, some dying along the way, in a pilgrimage that few here could have comprehended just a year ago.
And so we decided to go and see for ourselves. At Namanga, the border town straddling Kenya and Tanzania, we only needed to get out of our car for people to mob us, volunteering stories about Mwasapile and his lure.
We were advised not to go through Arusha and northward to Loliondo, but instead to go through Magadiinto, which, according to them, was the ‘better’ route.
Right from the outskirts of Magadi, nearly every car we met was headed to, or from, Loliondo — on this pilgrimage of faith.
The journey itself is a test of faith, taking you from the marshes of Shompole; across rivers in Pinyiny, the southernmost settlement right at the border between Kenya and northern Tanzania; and along the shores of Lake Natron. It’s a 300-kilometre ride that is not easy to get through, as we found out. And we weren’t carrying any sick people.
As we drew closer though, the carnage from a punishing road began to show itself; cars broken down in the most remote of places, hundreds of kilometres from help. After close to seven hours of travel, we were there — or at least we thought so.
So shocking was the abruptness of, from what I could judge, a seven-kilometre traffic jam snaking through the middle of nowhere.
All we could do was look as men and women and children, weary, but heartened by the fact that they had finally reached their promised land, trooped slowly towards the head of the end of this jam.
On one side of the compound stood an open-air waiting room full of patients suffering from all ailments, all waiting to see just one man. It seemed an impossible task for any man.
We had barely taken all this in when we heard a throbbing sound above, and peered into the sky to behold a helicopter rising from the pit of the Mwegaro Hills ahead of us.
We had heard tales of extremely rich invalids being flown here (for Sh40,000) to drink the concoction offered by Mwasapile. This was the evidence.
After convincing the patients that we were only here as reporters and not patients, we got to the front of the line.
And there we were confronted with an image that confirms both the faith that people here have in this drink, and the desperation that walks hand-in-hand with this belief.
The Arusha bus terminus is as busy as any, but over the past few months, things have become even more crowded.
A new bus route has opened up… to a destination that even Tanzanians themselves hadn’t heard of until a few days ago.
The Ngorongoro-Loliondo route, taking passengers north of Arusha, is by far the most popular here. Fourty-four-year-old Ibrahim Ahmed Kapiendo knows this very well.
He’s a ticket clerk here, but brisk business isn’t his only reason for his belief in this route and who it leads to. Behind his eyes lie a testimony that is being told and retold throughout Tanzania.
Until March 5 this year, Ibrahim was suffering from glaucoma — a degenerative eye disorder which eventually causes blindness — and high blood pressure. So he booked himself a ticket to Loliondo.
“After I got there, Babu gave me a concoction of herbs to drink. I have been cured since,” he says.
The man he’s referring to as Babu is 76-year-old Ambilikile Mwasapile, and, over the past few months, Tanzanians have been inundated with stories of the man and his miracle cure for all chronic diseases known to mankind.
The tale of this septuagenarian from Loliondo is quickly becoming legend. Thousands have trooped to his tiny hamlet, some dying along the way, in a pilgrimage that few here could have comprehended just a year ago.
And so we decided to go and see for ourselves. At Namanga, the border town straddling Kenya and Tanzania, we only needed to get out of our car for people to mob us, volunteering stories about Mwasapile and his lure.
We were advised not to go through Arusha and northward to Loliondo, but instead to go through Magadiinto, which, according to them, was the ‘better’ route.
Right from the outskirts of Magadi, nearly every car we met was headed to, or from, Loliondo — on this pilgrimage of faith.
The journey itself is a test of faith, taking you from the marshes of Shompole; across rivers in Pinyiny, the southernmost settlement right at the border between Kenya and northern Tanzania; and along the shores of Lake Natron. It’s a 300-kilometre ride that is not easy to get through, as we found out. And we weren’t carrying any sick people.
As we drew closer though, the carnage from a punishing road began to show itself; cars broken down in the most remote of places, hundreds of kilometres from help. After close to seven hours of travel, we were there — or at least we thought so.
So shocking was the abruptness of, from what I could judge, a seven-kilometre traffic jam snaking through the middle of nowhere.
All we could do was look as men and women and children, weary, but heartened by the fact that they had finally reached their promised land, trooped slowly towards the head of the end of this jam.
On one side of the compound stood an open-air waiting room full of patients suffering from all ailments, all waiting to see just one man. It seemed an impossible task for any man.
We had barely taken all this in when we heard a throbbing sound above, and peered into the sky to behold a helicopter rising from the pit of the Mwegaro Hills ahead of us.
We had heard tales of extremely rich invalids being flown here (for Sh40,000) to drink the concoction offered by Mwasapile. This was the evidence.
After convincing the patients that we were only here as reporters and not patients, we got to the front of the line.
And there we were confronted with an image that confirms both the faith that people here have in this drink, and the desperation that walks hand-in-hand with this belief.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Deep, Uncritical Love

You can't make radical changes in the pattern of your life until you begin to see yourself exactly as you are now. As soon as you do that, changes will flow naturally. You don't have to force anything, struggle, or obey rules dictated to you by some authority. It is automatic; you just change. 
But arriving at that initial insight is quite a task. You have to see who you are and how you are without illusion, judgment or resistance of any kind. You have to see your place in society and your function as a social being. You have to see your duties and obligations to your fellow human beings, and above all, your responsibility to yourself as an individual living with other individuals. And finally, you have to see all of that clearly as a single unit, an irreducible whole of interrelationship. It sounds complex, but it can occur in a single instant. Mental cultivation through meditation is without rival in helping you achieve this sort of understanding and serene happiness. [...]
 
Meditation is intended to purify the mind. It cleanses the thought process of what can be called psychic irritants, things like greed, hatred and jealousy, which keep you snarled up in emotional bondage. Meditation brings the mind to a state of tranquility and awareness, a state of concentration and insight.
 
Meditation is called the Great Teacher. It is the cleansing crucible fire that works slowly but surely, through understanding. The greater your understanding, the more flexible and tolerant, the more compassionate you can be. You become like a perfect parent or an ideal teacher. You are ready to forgive and forget. You feel love toward others because you understand them, and you understand others because you have understood yourself. You have looked deeply inside and seen self-illusion and your own human failings, seen your own humanity and learned to forgive and to love. When you have learned compassion for yourself, compassion for others is automatic. An accomplished meditator has achieved a profound understanding of life, and he or she inevitably relates to the world with a deep and uncritical love.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A beautiful, voluptuous woman


A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
y told her to undress. After she had
professionalism went out the window.
He immediate
ldisrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
" she replied, "you're checking for any abrasion
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes
,s
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
ow what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman s
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you k
naid, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
you know what I'm doing
now?"
she said. "You're g
"Yes, "
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "D
oetting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."